1. Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I never thought I’d be writing a letter like this, but one day something actually happened to me.

    I’m a UPS delivery guy. A lot of times, when I ring the door, people answer in all kinds of crazy outfits, or even their underwear. But usually I just ask for a signature and nothing happens.

    This one time, though, this gorgeous blonde opens the door. She’s wearing a see-through nightie, and I can see it all. You know what I mean? Tits all the way down to her ass, as they say.

    So I go, “I need something from you, ma’am.”

    And she goes, “Oh, really? I don’t have anything for you.”

    And I go, “Oh, yes you do.”

    And she’s like, “Are you harassing me?”

    And then before I know it, she’s called my supervisor and now I’m unemployed.

    I’m writing this at a public library computer.

    I’m getting ready to masturbate next.